Pitter Patter: Let's Get Writing
by emb559
Summary: All McDuffy's are twins. So when the oldest McDuffy's die, a new generation must move in. Welcome to Letterkenny...it's 'bout to get weirder. Rated M for foul language, sexual innuendoes, and general Letterkenny nonsense. If it wouldn't happen on Letterkenny, it probably won't happen here.
1. Episode One Part One

EXT. PRODUCE STAND

Wayne and Katy sit in their respective chairs outside their produce stand with beers in hand. Daryl and Squirrely Dan are noticeably absent.

KATY

Where are those boys?

WAYNE

Late. What are we payin' them for? Not to be late. Sure as shit.

KATY

We sure as fuck aren't payin' them to be late.

WAYNE

Sure as a bitch loves a bone.

KATY

Sure as the ass-whoopin' a beaker gets as the end of the drive.

They click bottles.

WAYNE

Pitter patter.

KATY

Can't get at 'er if yer late.

Daryl comes running up the lane with Squirrelly Dan shortly behind. They are out of breathe, especially Squirrelly Dan.

KATY (CONT'D)

Get these boys a fuckin' puppers.

WAYNE

You're late.

Daryl takes his seat. He opens the cooler for a beer, but Katy sticks her foot out and slams it shut. Squirrelly Dan pants over to his seat.

DARY

You said: "Get these boys a fuckin' puppers."

KATY

Tell us why you were late first, Dary. Jesus.

WAYNE

Have some respect.

SQUIRRELLY DAN

We're sorry we is late, Miss Katy. We was helpin' the new neighbors. Well, the movin' guys at least.

DARY

You know how McDuffy widows died?

KATY

Like three years ago.

SQUIRRELLY DAN

They was strange ones.

WAYNE

We don't speak ill of the dead. Have some fuckin' respect.

SQUIRRELLY DAN

I mean no disrespects. Two sisters died at age nintey-five at the sames time.

DARY

All McDuffys are twins. Haven't met one who isn't.

KATY

Technically, one died three minutes before the other.

WAYNE

All McDuffy twins are three minutes apart.

SQUIRRELLY DAN

Well, someones in movin' into the house.

WAYNE

Two, I'd imagine.

KATY

McDuffy's are inseparable.

SQUIRRELLY DAN

Parently, Miriam McDuffy had a trusts for her grandkids. Certain rules they has tos follow to get the moneys. Odd ducks the McDuffys.

WAYNE

We don't speak ill of the dead.

DARY

What about ducks?

Wayne pauses, thinking it over.

WAYNE

Well, they're fair game. As long as their alive.

SQUIRRELLY DAN

Wes can't speaks ill of the dead ones?

DARY

I don't think the same rules apply to animals.

WAYNE

What's the point of speakin' 'bout dead ducks? Fuck. They're dead. Ain't nothing to talk about.

KATY

Which set?

DARY

Of ducks?

KATY

Of McDuffy twins.

The boys look to one another, but don't answer. Katy sighs loudly.

KATY (CONT'D)

There's the boys. Strapping. Handsome. Tough.

DARY

Aren't they the woodworkers?

KATY

Sure are. I hope it's them.

WAYNE

Could be the girls too.

SQUIRRELLY DAN

Don't hear much about the girls. Odd ducks.

WAYNE

Live odd ducks.

DARY

Grew up in the city.

KATY

They ain't on social media. That's for sure. The boys though. Mhmm.

Katy moans softly to herself.

DARY

Isn't one of the girls a delinquent?

WAYNE

Better watch your mouth there, Darry. Bad gas travels fast in small towns.

SQUIRRELLY DAN

I heards that too. Went to the juvies. Something bout a fire.

DARY

Lots of work bein' done of the house though.

WAYNE

Shame. Beautiful house.

SQUIRRELLY DAN

The whole basement is bein' done up. Somethin' bout hooks and scarves hangin' from the ceiling.

The group stops and thinks for a moment. Each tilting their head to the right. Eventually, Katy takes her foot off the cooler.

DARY

It could be like a yoga thing. Like sky yoga.

WAYNE

What in the heck is sky yoga?

KATY

Aerial yoga.

SQUIRRELLY DAN

It could also be for sexing.

KATY

Mid-flight toe curl.

DARY

Sky High Rub You Dry

SQUIRRELLY DAN

Feelin' the breeze betweens yous knee

WAYNE

Why would anyone be lookin' to enter the half-a-mile high club in their basement?

DARY

Got an obstacle course to.

KATY

In the basement?

SQUIRRELLY DAN

It's in theirs backyards.

KATY

For humans?

SQUIRRELLY DAN

Nah. Looks likes it's for dogs.

Wayne straightens up at this.

KATY

What do you say, big brother? Willing to take a leap with your seat to give Stormy a good run?

SQUIRRELLY DAN

I says we should be nice to them.

KATY

Why's that?

DARY

They're opening up the old McDuffy pool and this summers 'supposed to bes a hot one.

They all nod and drink.

EXT. OUTSIDE THE DOLLAR STORE - SHORTLY AFTER

The Skids are dancing outside the dollar store. A woman, walks up, mid-twenties, with two german shepards following her. This is Enid McDuffy. The Skids sneer but do not stop dancing. One of the dogs races towards them, barking loudly.

The Skids squawk and yell until the dog is called off.

ENID

Muffy! Heal!

The dog stops instantly and returns to Enid's side. The Skids glare at Enid. Stewart, Roald, and Devon approach while the others hang back.

STEWART

Perhaps you've lost all concept of courtesy, but dogs should be kept on a leash.

DEVON

Bitches should be on a leash.

Roald squawks and the Skids all laugh.

ENID

Sorry. Muffy's still getting used to it 'round her. She's retired. Used to work at an airport. Sniffin' out drugs, you know?

The Skids all hiss.

STEWART

Well, perhaps it's best that you be on your way then. Until Muffy over here learns to behave more... graciously.

ENID

I'm starting to think that Muffy isn't the one who has trouble behaving.

Rolad leans over Stewarts shoulder, much to close to his ear, and loudly whispers.

ROALD

She's not from around here, Stewart. She's new.

STEWART

New, you say? I suppose she doesn't know the rules then. We may just have to teach her.

Stewart spins. Then Devon spins. Finally, Roald spins. They strike a pose.

STEWART (CONT'D)

This is where we dance.

The Skids burst into intense and clunky dance moves. Muffy growls and they stop.

ENID

_(sarcastically)_

Well, I sure am grateful for the tour. I'm real excited to see you around much more often.

Enid walks away and the dogs follow.

STEWART

Well boys. Let's dance.

Devon lets out a deep howl and the Skids return to their post, dancing.

INT. THE AGRICULTURAL HALL- THE NEXT EVENING

MoDean's is crowded. There is a stage and a karaoke machine set up. Mr. and Mrs. McMurray are doing a sensual rendition of "Sexy Back" by Justin Timberlake.

Wayne, Katy, Squirrelly Dan, and Daryl are sitting at a table, drinking beer. The Skids are snarling at their own table while the hockey players are laughing loudly by the punch bowl.

KATY

I signed up to take an aerial yoga class.

DARY

Told you.

WAYNE

Well, give the man a fuckin' ribbon.

KATY

Lots of people are doing it. Supposed to make you real flexible.

WAYNE

So it's the sister's then?

SQUIRRELLY DAN

Affirmative.

KATY

Sadly.

The McMurray's finish their song and Mr. McMurray carries Mrs. McMurray off-stage while she spanks his rear.

SQUIRRELLY DAN

One of the sister's in some sorts of dog trainer.

WAYNE

_(showing no emotion)_

You don't say.

SQUIRRELLY DAN

Her dogs gave them Skids quiets a scare the others day. Parently, one of thems used to sniffs for drugs.

DARY

Heard they done near pissed their overalls.

Wayne cracks a smile.

The next song starts to play. The music for "Only Happy When It Rains" by Garbage starts playing. The singer steps up. She has long black hair, a small tight black dress, and more eyeliner than necessary. She is fairly talented, very pale, and completely menacing. This is Agatha McDuffy.

The Skids stop and watch.

ROALD

Is that...?

DEVON

Holy shi-

Stewart holds up his hands and they are silent. He grins.

EXT. OUTSIDE THE AGRICULTURAL HALL - MOMENTS LATER

Wayne steps outside for a smoke. Enid McDuffy is leaning against the wall, standing with an unlit cigarette between her teeth. She is wearing a white sundress, which shows off her tanned skin. Her features are strikingly similar to Agatha's.

Wayne lights his own dart and holds out the lighter to her. Enid smiles and lights the cigarette.

ENID

Aggie still singin' in there?

WAYNE

The girl who looks like you if you rolled out of a coffin?

ENID

That's the one.

WAYNE

Just finishing up, I thinks.

Enid holds out her hand. Wayne shakes it.

ENID

I'm Enid McDuffy.

WAYNE

I'm Wayne. My sister and I run the farm just down the street.

ENID

Ah, the toughest guy in Letterkenny.

WAYNE

That'd be me.

ENID

Well, it's nice to meet you. You got yourself a beauty of a dog.

WAYNE

Gorgeous dog.

ENID

I've got an obstacle course in my backyard. You should take her to run sometime. Smart dogs love obstacle courses and a tired dog is a well-behaved dog. That's what I always say.

Enid finishes her cigarette and stomps it out.

ENID (CONT'D)

Your sister is signed up for Aggie's yoga class drop her off some day and your dog is welcomed to run for as long as she'd like.

Enid returns to the AG Hall. Wayne watches her go.

INT. THE AGRICULTURAL HALL - MEANWHILE

Agatha McDuffy is standing at the drink table, pouring herself some punch. The Skids slide up next to her.

STEWART

Quite the makeover, I must say.

AGATHA

What's that?

STEWART

From this afternoon. You certainly...clean up nice.

DEVON

Or not nice.

STEWART

In a good way. Much more -

ROALD

Edgy?

DEVON

Metal?

STEWART

Bewitching.

DEVON

You left the hounds at home.

Stewart holds up his hand. Devon takes a step back.

STEWART

You left the hounds at home.

AGATHA

You didn't meet me. You met Enid.

The Skids looks perplexed. Roald leans in much too close to Stewart.

ROALD

Is this a role-playing game?

DEVON

Tell her we're willing to play.

STEWART

Silence!

The boys jump back. Agatha rolls her eyes.

AGATHA

My sister. We're twins. McDuffys. You'd know if you met me.

STEWART

I'll say.

AGATHA

I don't need a dog to bark for me.

She eyes the Skids one by one, checking Devon out last.

AGATHA (CONT'D)

Or bite for me.

Agatha abandons her punch and walks away. Roald looks alarmed, eyes darting between Devon and Stewart. Stewart is enraged. Devon smirks and picks up Agatha's abandoned punch cup, before he can take a drink, Stewart knocks it out of his hand.


	2. Episode One Part Two

INT. THE BARN

Wayne is moving bales of hay around in the barn when Katy enters. She is wearing a sports bra and yoga shorts. Wayne stops working and blatantly looks away.

WAYNE

Would you put some damn clothes on?

KATY

Not my forte.

Wayne goes back to chorin'.

KATY (CONT'D)

Just came from my yoga class. Instructor's weird but good. Knows her stuff. Real flexible.

Wayne grunts in response.

KATY (CONT'D)

I wonder if her sister's as flexible.

Wayne stops working.

WAYNE

If you've got something to say than say it.

KATY

She asked if we were gonna bring Stormy around to run the obstacle course.

WAYNE

The yoga instructor?

KATY

Enid. She's a dog trainer. A damn good one too. Looked her up. Great reviews. Been on a talk show.

WAYNE

Get to yer point.

KATY

Well, big brother, if you're gonna get her, you better hurry up. It's been a long time since we've had any fresh meat in this town. Especially some damn fine meat like that.

Wayne goes back to chorin'.

KATY (CONT'D)

At least take Stormy to see her. Maybe it will fix our stud problem. She's got three dogs. Two are purebred german shepards.

WAYNE

What's the other?

KATY

It's a bloodhound. A puppy. You should see her try to run the obstacle course. Little legs and big ears. She keeps trippin' over 'em.

WAYNE

I suppose I could stop by some time.

KATY

Great. Cause we've been invited to a pool party.

INT. SKID'S BASEMENT

Stewart enters the basement where all the Skids but Devon are assembled. Stewart takes note.

STEWART

Where's Devon? Are his beta fish fighting again?

The boys exchange looks. Roald nervously steps forward.

ROALD

Uh...Stewart?

STEWART

Yes, Roald?

ROALD

You might want to sit down.

Stewart narrows his eyes and stares at Roald for a moment. Roald sits down and gestures to the chair across from him. Sighing loudly and dramatically, Stewart takes a seat.

ROALD (CONT'D)

You see, Devon is... Well, he's... Um...

STEWART

_(agitated)_

Spit it out, Roald!

ROALD

He's-

The basement door opens and Devon comes crashing in. Agatha's legs are wrapped around his waist and they are furiously making out. They do not stop when they've entered.

Stewart hops to his feet.

STEWART

Outrage!

Devon and Agatha do not appear to hear him. Roald squeaks and cowers.

STEWART (CONT'D)

Cease!

They continue.

STEWART (CONT'D)

Desist!

They do not appear to have heard him. Stewart looks around, he walks up to the mini refrigerator and pulls out a Britta filter. He tosses the contents on the two and they jump apart.

STEWART (CONT'D)

Finally!

Agatha wipes at her eyes, black makeup smears down her face.

AGATHA

Rude.

STEWART

I'm rude? I'M RUDE?

Agatha looks to Devon, who looks down at his feet like a scolded puppy.

AGATHA

It's his basement.

STEWART

It's my basement! Did you tell her it was your basement?

Devon stays silent. Agatha hits his arm. He looks up at Stewart, places his arm around Agatha, and shrugs.

STEWART (CONT'D)

We have work to do, Devon. Product to be made.

AGATHA

Product?

She walks past Stewart, knocking his shoulders with hers. Roald gasps. Agatha exams the equipment.

AGATHA (CONT'D)

Meth? Are you fuckin' serious?

Stewart looks proud. He places his arm around Agatha's shoulders and she scowls t him.

STEWART

We're artists. Rebels. Vigilantes for free will.

Devon comes up and pulls Agatha out from Stewarts arm. He places his arm around her but she pushes it off.

AGATHA

I keep in natural boys. Vegetarian. Locally sourced milk from grassfed cows who aren't slaughtered when they stop milking. I am one with the earth.

The Skids, beside Devon, hiss at her.

STEWART

Here I thought you didn't care about anyone.

AGATHA

I don't care about any people. I don't hurt animals because they aren't what's wrong with the world. I hate society. I hate politics. I hate myself. But I don't make animals suffer for the crimes of humanity.

ROALD

No drugs?

AGATHA

Nothing unnatural. Maybe the occasional cannon. Couple of Zoomers here and there.

Agatha turns to Devon and pats his cheek.

AGATHA (CONT'D)

Call me when you're sober... Mostly.

She exits.

DEVON

_(calling after her)_

Are we still invited to the pool party?

AGATHA

_(off-screen)_

Yes!

The door shuts behind her with a loud slam. Devon weeps. Roald rubs his back. Stewart smiles.

EXT. MCDUFFY BACKYARD - A FEW DAYS LATER

The Hicks walk into the McDuffy backyard. The sun is shining bright. In unison, the hicks wipe at their brows. Each one is carrying a twelve pack of Puppers.

In the distance, the McMurrays are lounging by the pool where a German Shepard watches like a lifeguard. The pool area is surrounded by a large metal fence but the door is wide open. The Skids are loitering on the deck by the grill.

The gang admires the doggie obstacle course. Wayne nods appreciably. There are ramps to run up, hoops to jump through, and barrels to weave through.

KATY

I told you. Enid ain't messin' 'round.

WAYNE

I'll say.

SQUIRRELLY DAN

Hows a'comes you didn't bring Stormy heres? She'd a love it.

DARY

Yeah. Dogs were invited.

KATY

Encouraged.

A German Shepard runs up to the gang and sniffs them, lingering at Katy.

WAYNE

Gorgeous dog.

KATY

Wayne didn't want to lead Enid on. Something going on with Rosie, big brother?

DARY

Hows many dates you been on?

SQUIRRELLY DAN

Bys my calculations, its a two.

KATY

Texas size ten-four.

DARY

She your girl? Official like?

WAYNE

Negative.

The German Shepard sits in front of them and stares at Wayne.

SQUIRRELLY DAN

Sos dids this McDuffy girl makes a move?

KATY

Everyone is plannin' on making a move on her. Me included.

The boys turn to stare at her.

KATY (CONT'D)

What? If Wayne isn't after her, she's fair game.

In the distance, they watch Reilly and Jonesy whip off their shirts and cannonball into the pool with cries of "Cannonball!" And "Cannonball, Ferda!"

A tiny bloodhound puppy comes running up towards them. She trips over her ear but gets back up, sitting next to the German Shepard and staring at Wayne.

WAYNE

Well, fuck.

Enid emerges from the house, laughing at someone the person behind her said. That person follows. It is Tanis and she is holding a plate of meat. Enid points her towards the grill where she sets up shop.

Wayne stands up straight and stares intently at them. He is ready for a fight. Tanis and the Natives aren't supposed to be in Letterkenny.

Enid sees them and waves. She approaches.

ENID

Hey! You made it. No Stormy?

WAYNE

Tanis ain't supposed to be here. We have an agreement. The Native are only allowed in Letterkenny on Saturday mornings from nine to noon. And it's -

Squirrelly Dan sticks out his arm, allowing Wayne to look at his watch.

WAYNE (CONT'D)

Two o'clock. Also we brought some Puppers.

ENID

Can never have enough beer. There's coolers on the porch and plenty of room in the fridge if need be.

WAYNE

First, we have to sort this out.

KATY

Let it go, big brother.

DARY

Yeah. Technically, this is private property.

SQUIRRELLY DAN

Whys starts a fight at a party? Too hot today.

Katy and Dary audibly agree. Squirrelly Dan, Dary, Wayne, and Katy wipe their brow in unison.

WAYNE

We can't just turn our backs and be disrespected like that.

ENID

You're not. I told Tanis that I asked you and you gave them a one day pass.

WAYNE

You did what now?

Enid leans down and picks up the bloodhound puppy, who immediately snuggles into her neck.

ENID

I figured since you're telling everyone in Letterkenny that I'm after you and that's not true, that I'd tell Tanis you said it was okay.

The hicks stare at her in disbelief. Finally, Wayne speaks.

WAYNE

You did what now?

ENID

At first it was just Gail and that was fine because she gave me a free Gus n' Brew and welcomed me to some club, but then things started getting stranger. The pastor came up to me and said "Oh honey, pray to the lord for strength to get you through Wayne - I mean this." Then I got charged two dollars for one item at the dollar store. You wanna hold Sunny?

Enid holds out the puppy to Wayne who hesitates, but cannot resist. Sunny snuggles into Wayne's neck.

ENID (CONT'D)

Rosie and I had a good laugh about it though.

SQUIRRELLY DAN

Ohs no.

DARY

Ohs shit.

KATY

Ohs fuck.

ENID

Relax, big shooters. It's fine. You see, I wasn't after Wayne.

SQUIRRELLY DAN

Then whats you afters?

DARY

Was it me?

KATY

Or me?

Enid laughs. The hicks begin to awkwardly laugh one by one. It starts with Daryl, then Squirrelly Dan, then Katy, and finally (and most awkwardly) Wayne.

ENID

Dogs are my life. I train them. Groom them. Love them. I'm doing a course in the city once a week on animal behavior.

SQUIRRELLY DAN

I takes a women's studies course withs Miss Trisha. Shes a delights.

ENID

Word around Letterkenny is that Stormy tries to kill her studs.

WAYNE

Can confirm.

KATY

That's my girl.

ENID

See, a dog like that has got to be smart. One of the smartest around.

WAYNE

Texas-sized ten-four.

ENID

That's who I'm after. I wanted to see how fast she could run the course.

DARY

Wayne, you really misread that situation.

KATY

Can confirm.

SQUIRRELLY DAN

Miss Trisha would calls that a sexism. On a counts of yous assumin' womens ares all wantin' to sexs you.

ENID

I say we call it even.

Enid extends her hand. Wayne repositions Sunny so he holds her with one hand. Sunny licks his face and comes back to snuggling into his neck. Wayne shakes Enid's hand.

ENID (CONT'D)

I'm about to give the Skids a tour of the house. I just have to grab a spray bottle first. In case of bad behavior. You wanna come?

DARY

You spray your dogs?

ENID

No.

INT. MCDUFFY BASEMENT

Strong reenforced pipes line the ceiling with hooks hanging off them. Only one aerial scarf is hanging though. It is bright purple. Agatha McDuffy is in it, upside down. One leg is high in the air while the other is nearly dangles behind her, nearly touching her head. Her arms are wrapped in the scarf to support her. She wears black overall shorts with a blue bando bikini top underneath and no shoes. Her toenails are painted a matching blue.

Enid enters, leading the Skids and Hicks into the basement. Wayne still cradles Sunny. The Skids start growling and barking at Agatha. Enid sprays them with water. They hiss and fall silent. Sunny peaks her head up and barks threateningly at the Skids. Then she settles back down into Wayne's neck. He smiles.

Agatha skillfully unwinds until she flips herself over and arranges the scarf into a chair like position. She pumps her legs lightly, so she is swaying like a swing. Agatha watches them closely.

ENID

Aggie. Come to the party.

AGATHA

Did you just spray them?

STEWART

Like one of her over-compensating dogs.

Devon barks and Enid sprays him again.

MCDUFFY TWINS

We don't spray dogs.

ENID

It causes anxiety.

ROALD

What about our anxiety?

AGATHA

And doesn't always work. Watch.

ENID

Sunny!

Sunny perks up and looks at her.

ENID (CONT'D)

Want a spray?

Sunny barks once and wags her tail. Enid sprays the water and Sunny catches it in her mouth.

KATY

Wow, Devon. The tiniest of puppies is braver than you.

DEVON

_(sarcastically)_

Oh gee, Katy. I'm so glad you're here. Everything is sooo much better.

KATY

_(sarcastically)_

Don't feel bad. You and Sunny still have a lot in common. Like you're both bitches.

Roald gasps while Stewart places a comforting hand on Devon's back. The hicks and twins laugh.

DEVON

_(sarcastically)_

Well Katy, I just gotta say that you're -

WAYNE

_(interrupting)_

I'd think about those next words real carefully there, bud.

DARY

Wayne ain't the toughest guy in Letterkenny on accident.

SQUIRRELLY DAN

That's for sures.

ENID

Let's continue the tour, shall we? The bathroom is right this way, but don't get too excited, boys. There's nothing in there but some rosehip oil and band-aids.

Enid leads them all out expect for Stewart who lags behind. Stewart and Agatha watch each other and do not speak until the door safely closes behind the others.

STEWART

You know, I've been known to give up drugs from time to time...Mostly.

AGATHA

Is that so? Interesting.

STEWART

You make the natural road seem...enticing.

AGATHA

You lusting after it?

STEWART

Roald could got straight but... Devon? That would be a hard one.

AGATHA

How hard?

STEWART

Impossible. Not even worth it.

Agatha is silent, thinking. She keeps swinging. Stewart watched her intently.

Suddenly, Agatha gets up. She walks around to the other end of the scarf and grips it tightly, she flings the top half of her body over and holds her legs over the top of her head, wrapping them in the scarf. Then she lets go with her hands. Stewart takes a step towards her.

AGATHA

You're a strange bunch. Are you and Devon enemies or do you love each other?

STEWART

It's a fine line, isn't it?

Agatha unwraps one leg and drops her down. She holds it in her hands, allowing a deeper stretch.

AGATHA

The finest.

STEWART

There must be a reason why you like him?

AGATHA

He's sweet.

Stewart scoffs, laughing cruelly.

STEWART

I didn't realize you were looking for sweet. There are certainly some shirt-tuckers available upstairs.

AGATHA

See? That's just it.

Agatha raises her leg back up and wraps it around the scarf again. She drops her other leg into her hands to stretch her other side.

AGATHA (CONT'D)

One of those simple but muscular hillbillys was going around town sayin' my sister was all hot for him. I couldn't have her fallin' for that so I devised a strategy.

STEWART

Oh. Did you?

AGATHA

I did. My sister likes dogs and your friend? He barks and bites. Can confirm.

Stewart scrunches up his nose in disgust. Agatha places her leg back around the scarf and lets her arms hang again.

AGATHA (CONT'D)

So I tested him out. Like him fine. If it weren't for my sister, I might consider him for a time.

STEWART

I see. You love them and leave them. How...cliche.

AGATHA

I'd stay with the right one.

STEWART

What's the right one?

AGATHA

The one the world thinks is wrong. But more important than that? No one fucks with my sister.

Agatha quickly unravels. Stewart takes a step back. Agatha stands in front of his, looking him in the eyes.

AGATHA (CONT'D)

If you fuck with my sister, you fuck with me. And you wouldn't want to do that, would you?

Stewart moans softly and takes two steps forward. She raises her eyebrow, challenging him. He takes three steps forward until they are standing on either side of the scarf.

AGATHA (CONT'D)

I suggest we form an alliance.

STEWART

A camaraderie.

AGATHA

Friends.

STEWART

Beneficially?

Agatha looks him up and down. Stewart licks his lips.

AGATHA

Perhaps. Potentially. Someday.

Agatha holds out her hand to shake. Stewart brings it to his lips and kisses it. Slowly.

POOLSIDE - A SHORTWHILE LATER

Katy is stretched out on a chair by the pool in a small red bikini with large black sunglasses on. Reilly and Jonesy walk by on their way out of the pool.

RIELLY

Damn, Katy Kat.

JONESY

You're hotter than the stars.

RIELLY

Hotter than the sun, Snipe.

JONESY

Break me off a piece.

RIELLY

Of that Katy Kat bar.

The boys fist bump.

Enid McMurray walks up and sits in the empty chair besides Katy, she hands her a cold Puppers. Katy nods in gratitude.

ENID

Tanis just finished grilling the first round, boys. I'd get on the before the line gets long.

RIELLY

Nice!

JONESY

Great. Burgers and brawts for the bros.

RIELLY

Ferda!

The boys run off. Katy lifts her sunglasses and looks at Enid. Muffy trots up and sits at the edge of Enid's chair. Katy puts her sunglasses down and looks towards the pool.

ENID

You can ask. If you want.

KATY

_(innocently)_

Ask what?

ENID

I've heard the whispers. No one asked for the truth though.

KATY

Your grandmother and her sister -

ENID

Were unusual.

KATY

We don't speak ill of the dead.

ENID

I don't see unusual as a bad word. There's fourteen sets of twins in my family. Unusual is fitting.

KATY

It's just...city folks don't move to Letterkenny. They stay in the city.

ENID

In my grandmother and great-aunt's will - yes, there was only one will - they asked us to move here. See, they weren't too popular.

KATY

Can confirm.

ENID

And they want us to make Letterkenny a better place.

KATY

Why you two? Why not your brothers?

ENID

See, Aggie and I broke the carinal rule of being a McDuffy. Twice.

KATY

What's that?

ENID

We separated.

**END EPISODE ONE**


	3. Episode Two Part One

EPISODE TWO

EXT. PRODUCE STAND

Wayne, Squirrelly Dan, and Dary sit in their respective seats, drinking beer. Katy is noticeably absent.

SQUIRRELLY DAN

Where's Miss Katy?

WAYNE

Tryin' to get out of chorin'. Most like-leh.

The boys drink in unison.

DARY

I saw her gettin' chummy with the McDuffy's at that party.

WAYNE

The one thrown by the McDuffy's?

DARY

Wel, yeah.

WAYNE

You saw Katy being friendly to the McDuffy sisters at a party thrown by the McDuffy sisters?

DARY

Yes.

WAYNE

_(sarcastically)_

Guess we better call the local news.

Katy enters. Her hair is damp, like she just got out of the shower. She cracks open a beer and drinks. The boys all look at her.

KATY

Jesus Christ. What?

SQUIRRELLY DAN

We was just wonderin', Miss Katys. Where you was? On account a you usually bein' here an all.

KATY

I took a yoga class.

DARY

Your hair's wet.

KATY

I had to shower.

WAYNE

You had to be here is what it is.

KATY

I'm on a recon mission.

WAYNE

Oh yeah? And what kind of mission is that, Katy? To align your chi.

SQUIRRELLY DAN

Now hold it right there, good buddy. Professer Tricia says we shouldn't makes fun of things that help good people. And Miss Katys is a good persons.

KATY

Thank you, Dan.

DARY

Yeah and yoga ain't about chi.

WAYNE

Oh it's not, is it?

DARY

No. Katy would be alignin' herself with the earths. From the air. On account of the hammock.

WAYNE

That makes no fuckin' sense.

KATY

The McDuffy's are here to fulfill their grandmother and great-aunt's will. To better the town.

DARY

Why couldn't they have done that themselves?

WAYNE

Yeah. Like...why wait until you're dead to do something good? Just do something good and shut up about it.

SQUIRRELLY DAN

Wells, maybe they're repentant.

WAYNE

If you got time to write a list of chores, you got time to do one if all I'm sayin'.

KATY

I'm trying to convince them to open their pool to the good people of Letterkenny this summer. It's suppose to be a hot one.

WAYNE

All summers are suppose to be a hot one. That's why it's called fuckin' summer.

SQUIRRELLY DAN

Globals warming is a reals thing, Wayne. We should be taken it seriously.

DARY

Still, a swim in a pool after a long day of chorin'?

KATY

Layin' in a raft with a puppers in hand?

SQUIRRELLY DAN

Lettin' the water carry you after a day or carryin' yousself?

WAYNE

Does sound nice.

KATY

Buildin' a pool for the dogs. Stormy could go swimmin'.

WAYNE

You know, Katy? You know what?

KATY

What, big brother?

WAYNE

I think you need to work on your chi.

OUTSIDE THE DOLLAR STORE - LATER THAT DAY

The Skids are dancing in the parking lot. Popping. Locking. Ripping. Dropping. Stewart is dancing in the center. Devon is merely shifting back and forth. His heart isn't in it. Roald slinks over to Stewart.

ROALD

_(squeaking)_

Ste-wart?

Stewart keeps dancing. He is in the zone.

ROALD (CONT'D)

_(slightly louder)_

Steeee-wart?

Stewart does not hear him.

ROALD (CONT'D)

_(yelling)_

STTTEEEEEEEEE-WWWAAARRTTT

Stewart stops dancing.

STEWART

_(angry)_

How dare you interrupt my dancing - my art with your hysterics. What could possible be so important?

Shaking, Roald points to Devon, who brushes a stray tear from his eye while he moves. Stewart rolls his eyes.

STEWART (CONT'D)

Devon! What encumbers you?

Devon looks at Stewart and turns away. He dances so that his back is facing Stewart.

STEWART (CONT'D)

What is this? Roald?

ROALD

_(terrified)_

Devon is mad at you for breaking up his relationship with Agatha.

STEWART

How have I ended Devon's relationship with the enchanting Aggie? Was it not his actions - his lies - that caused her to flee?

Devon doesn't answer but begins to dance erratically. He is punching the air.

ROALD

Devon thinks you're going after Aggie.

STEWART

Well, I can't deny a certain chemistry.

Devon turns around and faces Stewart.

STEWART (CONT'D)

But I cannot steal what was never Devons. Just because a beautiful women became bored and decided to waste some time with Devon -

Devon holds up his fists. Startled, Stewart takes a step back. Devon barks. Stewart steps forward again and gestures to the cardboard they have laid down as a dance floor.

STEWART (CONT'D)

Let us handle this like gentlemen. I welcome the challenge. Though we all remember what happened last time.

Devon and Stewart square off.

ROALD

Uh- guys?

Roald points towards the sidewalk. The Mcduffy sister appear to be heading towards the dollar store. They see the boys and stop. Stewart and Devon begin straightening their overalls, trying to look presentable.

AGATHA

Gentlemen!

ENID

I wouldn't go that far.

AGATHA

Is everything alright here?

STEWART

Everything is -

With each word, the boys get closer to one another. Ready to fight.

DEVON

_(interrupting)_

Fine

STEWART

_(interjecting)_

Beautiful!

DEVON

_(overlapping)_

Perfect!

STEWART

_(infiltrating)_

Wondrous!

Roald pushes himself between the two boys.

ROALD

Run along now! Do your shopping. We are doing just dandy over here. No thanks to you.

Agatha shrugs and heads towards the door. Enid stays behind.

ENID

(over her shoulder)

I'll be there in a second.

Agatha enters the dollar store, leaving Enid alone with the Skids.

DEVON

No dogs today?

ENID

I knew I wouldn't see anything outside the dollar store I couldn't handle.

The Skids scoff.

ENID (CONT'D)

Besides, Muffy's in a mood. I was afraid if she saw someone carrying something they should be that she might kill them.

The Skids gulp.

ENID (CONT'D)

Which one of you is messing around with my sister?

Devon and Stewart narrow their eyes at one another.

ROALD

Well, that all depends. In the past, it was Devon -

STEWART

_(interrupting)_

In the future it will be me

Over Roald's body, Devon pushes Stewart.

ROALD

_(scolding)_

Devon!

Over Roald's body, Stewart pushes Devon back. Devon pushes Stewart again. The boys wrestle over Roald, who is not strong enough to break them apart. Suddenly, they are all spritzed with water.

ENID

Enough!

Enid is holding her spray bottle. The boys spring apart, freeing Roald.

ROALD

_(to Devon and Stewart)_

You're acting like animals!

ENID

Animals are better behaved.

Stewart fixes his long hair. Devon glares at Enid. They lock eyes.

STEWART

Perhaps I cannot be tamed.

Enid doesn't answer. Stewart doesn't get the response he desired.

STEWART (CONT'D)

_(louder)_

I said -

ENID

_(interrupting; without breaking her gaze)_

I heard you, Stewart.

DEVON

We can not be controlled by the empty threats and water. The Earth is ninety percent water. We need not fear it.

Enid holds up the spray bottle. Devon flinches.

ENID

Stay away from my sister.

She finally breaks Devon's gaze. She sprays Stewart again.

ENID (CONT'D)

You too.

She looks to Roald. He flinches.

ENID (CONT'D)

It was nice seeing you again, Roald. Good luck with these two.

She offers her hand. He tentatively shakes it.

The Skids watch as Enid walks into the dollar store.

ROALD

I think we should respectfully heed her warning and start ignoring Agatha.

STEWART

We do not heed warnings, Roald.

DEVON

We push the boundaries that society have given us.

STEWART

We stomp expectations of others.

DEVON

Then we dance of graves of the patriarchy we have demolished.

Stewart and Devon look to each other like brothers - soldiers in their fight against social norms...then they remember they are fighting and glare at one another.

Agatha McDuffy exits the Dollar Store, eating a lollipop. Roald hisses, Stewart and Devon hit him on either side.

AGATHA

You know, if you like dancing, you should take an aerial class. You'd love it.

ROALD

No thank you.

Agatha extends her lollipop.

AGATHA

Want a lick?

Stewart licks the air. Devon leans in.

ROALD

Disgusting!

AGATHA

Suit yourself.

She returns the lollipop to her mouth.

AGATHA (CONT'D)

Hey, we're having some people over to swim tonight. You want to come? It's low-key.

DEVON

I could swim.

STEWART

I am an excellent swimmer.

DEVON

Because I taught you. In the fourth grade. Stewart couldn't do a proper backstroke until he was eleven.

STEWART

Slander!

AGATHA

What about you, Roald?

ROALD

I believe I have a prior engagement.

DEVON

I'm still available.

STEWART

I am as well. Would you like me to bring anything? Flowers? Wine? Chocolate?

AGATHA

Roald, we can reschedule until you're free.

Devon and Stewart scoff.

STEWART

Surely, we needn't postpone for his presence.

AGATHA

Roaldy, I feel we could be great friends. We're kindred spirits.

ROALD

_(scoffs)_

I doubt that very much.

Stewart and Devon hit him again.

STEWART

He jests.

DEVON

He will most certainly be attending.

AGATHA

Great.

Enid exits the store holding her bags in on hand. She raises her spray bottle with another. The Skids hiss.

AGATHA (CONT'D)

See you tonight!

Agatha joins her sister. The McDuffy twins exit. Stewart and Devon glare at Roald.


End file.
